So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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