I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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