To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
