im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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