I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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