Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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