Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
