found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
