My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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