how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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