I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
sarcasm needs its own font
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
