I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
