Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
