I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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