My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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