Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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