I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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