the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My vagina is officially offended.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
