halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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