im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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