Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
