Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
