Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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