I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
