He told me they were just razor bumps!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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