he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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