i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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