This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
