You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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