Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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