I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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