Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
