yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
