so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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