I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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