It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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