I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
