fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
