the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
