I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
