Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
