If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
