so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
