He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize