I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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