What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
