I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
