I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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