Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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