she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
