VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
