I can tuck mytits in my pants
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
