I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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